


Make a memory

by ShippyAngel



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-15
Updated: 2013-09-15
Packaged: 2017-12-26 15:02:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/967345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShippyAngel/pseuds/ShippyAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So 'If you're leaving,' I swallow slowly, thinking that there's no turning back now. 'I am not stopping you.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Make a memory

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. No copyright infringement is intended. All publicly are the property of their respective owners and I'm no way related to them. The only thing that belongs to me is this poor attempt to write something.
> 
> Basically, Jack is leaving to DC. I so wish we could have seen how Sam said her goodbye...
> 
> (Story based on the song "Make a memory", by Bon Jovi)

Leaves are falling and surrounding me, due to the strong wind that is almost taking me away. Almost.

Let it rain.

These drops in my eyes are just passing tears; an outburst for things I can't have. These tears are just a bit of sadness running down as water that slips through my fingers. And water has no taste and no color. Right?

I wish I could see colors behind this gray sky; the colors of a rainbow that fight pain and desolation, that brings peace.

And while that doesn't happen, I lean on my car and imagine a way to say the right words that will make him stay. Or that will make me go with him.

Words; I'm so much better with numbers. The answer is simply there, hidden in an equation. But words? They're hard to deal with. Though there's no way out of it now. I can't hide in my lab anymore, nor beneath my sheets. I'm here because I need to take a chance. I need to let go of things that I love to reach the ones I love even more.

I need to see him, despite everything that's wrong or right. To stare into his beautiful brown eyes just one last time. To feel him around me as I feel the electricity in the air right now.

I see him sitting alone on his doorsteps and he doesn't see me approaching, though I know he feels me here. He always does.

"Carter?" he asks, without looking at me.

A wave of pain evades me when I see his briefcases around him. It's the undeniable fact that he's going away. He is leaving - my mind screams at me. And I choose to ignore it. Otherwise, the tears will come. Again. And I couldn't let that happen; not in front of him.

I'm so good at hiding things. But he's so good at breaking up my walls and seeing through them.

"What are you doing here?" he asks casually and I catch my breath at the sight of him, without knowing what to say or do.

"Uh, sir." that gets his attention and he finally looks at my face. I try to change the subject. "What are you doing here?"

He sends a sarcastic smile my way, the one that tells me, 'well, this is MY house, isn't it?'.

"I thought the guys were going to sleep over." I justify my thoughts, fumbling with my hands, trying to explain what I meant to say when I know damn well he got it already.

He clears his throat and replies, straight to the point, as he usually does. "They did." 

"Well, then, why...where...?"

My confusion floats in the air and he gets it.

"I told them to leave." God, he knows me so well. I don't think anyone has ever known me that good. I hold his gaze with mine. "I didn't want them to take me to the airport."

I sit beside him, questioning his words. "Why not?"

He remains gazing at his street, as if memorizing every little thing that his eyes can capture. As if he's never going to come back here.

"Well, you know me, Carter." he smirks and looks at the keys in hands. He throws them in the air, catching them before they touch the floor. "I hate long goodbyes."

I drop a sigh and I gaze the quiet street, mimicking his behaviour.

"Yes." I whisper. "I know you."

And he turns his neck to look at me in the eye when I say that.

I look back at him and, God, he looks so good. I don't think he knows just how much he really does. Right now, I'm the one who is staring, trying to capture everything my eyes can reach. His face, his marked eyebrow, the lines here and there, the color of his eyes as the sun goes into them. Everything. As if I'm never going to see him again.

This is so dramatic. This is so not me.

A few seconds go by and he says, with a smile in the corner of his lips. "It was a hell of a party, though."

"Well, yes, it was great." I say, not so excited. And then I decided to share my thoughts. "You deserved a goodbye party just like that." His silence bothers me, somehow, and I wonder what else to say. "It was amazing to see everybody at the SGC laughing and having some fun. I don't think we ever had the chance to put them all together."

"Ack! THAT was a bit too much." his browns are furrowed. "You, Danny and Teal'c should get a prize for that."

"It wasn't about us. It was you, it was for you that they were there. You deserved to see with your own eyes that you are respected for who you are and for what you do... you deserve that."

I consider if I really should go any further. And I say it before thinking: "And so much more."

He sighs and I want to hold his hands, to make him understand. He opens his mouth and I stop him by saying, "Don't thank us for that." anticipating his words.

He's serious now and I'm thinking if I went a bit too far.

"I wasn't going to say that, again." that surprises me and he looks down, bothered. "Ok, I gotta admit that's what I thought."

We laugh, almost in synchronization, because it's so obvious to us what the other will say next. It has always been like this.

"It was very good seeing everybody together, though I'm not really a party person and you know that."

"Hmm, yes." not enough. "But...?"

"But what I enjoyed best was the end." our eyes connect. "Don't get me wrong, it was fun seeing everybody. But, you know, the very end. Just you, me, Teal'c, Daniel: like old times. Laughing and arguing and... hell, just being together, just SG1 and everything we've been through."

I feel my body shake with anticipation for days to come without him and I realize that his speech seems to be over, so I think aloud: "I'm going to miss that.".

He takes a huge breath and looks up to the sky. From my position, I can see the clouds reflected in his eyes (I've never loved them more). But soon after that, he flutters his eyes closed.

"Hell, Carter, so am I." And even though we've spent the whole late night together, even though we hugged, he didn't say these words to us before. He didn't need to, we just knew that. We didn't say it either. "But you're going to be just fine."

"As are you." I tell him, refusing to believe his words, or my own; how selfish does that sound?

He pulls his thumbs against his eyes and sighs deeply. After that, he stands, his knees making a cracking noise for such a change of position. He rubs his stiff tendons and complains about it, which makes me laugh everytime.

"Somehow," he says, staring out at the horizon again, with some tune of biterness. Something is wrong with him. Does he really want to go? Do I want him to? "I don't think you came here to talk to me about my goodbye party. Did you?"

I stand but keep some distance from him, avoiding his proximity and what it may do to me. "No."

"Why are you here?"

My eyes seem to want to drown in tears.

"Don't make this harder than already is." his voice is hoarse as he says these words, looking out at the clouds so far away.

"I don't mean to." he comes towards me and I go on with my words. "I really don't. You know that."

"But? Though? Even so?"

God, I hate it when he does that, trying to push me over the edge.

"But I didn't want you to leave without... saying goodbye."

He releases a breath that I couldn't tell he was holding. "I thought that's what we did last night?"

I look down, almost mad at him. Almost.

"Jack." I can tell he's surprised at me, calling his name, the minute his posture gets tensed. But isn't that why I'm here for? "Do you think we did it properly? Do you think a 5-seconds hug was enough or even fair?"

"Well," I think I'm the one who has just make him mad. "I tried to kiss you last night, but you just..." he stops, looking around, trying to find the right words.

"Stepped back?" I offer to help him.

"Well," he makes a scared face "yeah!" and accepts the obvious.

I supress a sob and face the ground again, as if syllables are written there to help me out.

"I was scared." I close my eyes and feel my face burn with embarrassment.

"Of me?" he asks, not believing my words.

I laugh without even wanting to.

"Of... everything." I shake my head and lick my lips. "Of what could happen. You were leaving and the guys were there. I was afraid to know just how far I would go."

We hear a thunder from blocks away and we see the storm coming in a hurry.

His cab is taking too long to get here and I'm thankful for that.

"How far?" he asks, almost too close from me, with such a deep and sexy voice. I feel a shiver going down my spine.

This might be my last chance to be totally honest with him, I think, staring at the street lamp blinking.

"Quite far." I confess, bitting my lips in doubt.

He nods as if understanding my words. But I don't honestly think that he could ever understand what I truly meant to say, of how far I was willing to go.

"Well, but my cab is arriving, so you shouldn't be worried anymore. We couldn't go that far." his muscles are tensed when he says that. I can feel it because a minute before I touched his arms and I felt his muscles beneath my hands - it still feels so good.

"Maybe not that far."

He gets silent and I don't know if he heard me, if he understood me. Yes, my tongue wants to yell but I hold it back, I want to take the next step.

"Naah, you're lying." He searches for the the real reason. "Why are you here, Sam?"

And I'm the one who is surprised now. My nickname leaving his lips sounds so unbelievably good. And the tears that I was managing to hold suddenly seem decided to touch the floor. "I'm scared to let you know." one or two fall, and I dry my face with my fingers.

He faces me, even closer, trying to get the meaning behind my words. Our bodies are almost touching and I'm finally feeling a little warmer.

I release a deep breath of my own.

"I'm scared to not let you know."

A lightning flashes and almost blinds me.

We take a couple of breaths, letting a companionable silence hit us, before I continue.

"I always thought..." I stop because he's confusing me with his nearness. Does he know that? Is he doing it on purpose? "I always thought that we would figure it out in the end."

"Figure what out?" he asks and I stare at him, disapproving what he's trying to do. Why does he always need to do this, even to me, why does he need to play dumb? Anyway, I answer to him:

"Whatever it's what we have."

He bites the corner of his lips in anxiety and I love it because it looks like he's throwing a kiss in the air. And I want so much to get it for me. How silly does that sound?

We get silent and he stretches his arm to touch my shoulder. When I look deep into his eyes, I realize that the man who is staring back at me is not pushing me away anymore. "Don't do this to me, Carter. I'm far too old for this shit."

I ignore him to make him go further.

"This is politics, OK. I can't back away. Believe me, I tried to. This is a desk job, for cryin' out loud!" the thunder gets louder, closer. "But I can't deny this request." he means this order, but he can't even say it to me.

"I know that." I close my eyes, letting him in, as well. I know it because my voice is softer. I know he knows it too. "But maybe this is the moment where we have to decide whether we are going take total opposite directions or..." I stop and touch his hand sightly, as if it's by grace. "I can't go on like this. The not knowing."

He nods. "It's been 10 years of this, for Christ's sake. You're right." he looks up again. "So, you wanna let go? Say goodbye at last?" he makes it sounds like it's simple.

He is misunderstanding me.

Or maybe not. Maybe he gets what I can't even admit to myself.

"Maybe I could..." quit, I meant to say and he knows it because he stops me to reply:

"No. You couldn't." we face each other. "I could never let you do that." I open my mouth to say something back at him but he laughs. "What? You gonna fight me on that? Come on, Carter, you would regret it. You would get bored after the first minute." then, he ruffles his hair like he always does when he's nervous.

"Maybe I would get bored. But I would never regret that." we hold each other's gaze, seriously. "Ever."

"Whatever, Carter. But I can't let you destroy your career." he whispers, then. "It's a part of you and if I..." he takes a huge breath. "If I cared about you -" he looks me deep down, from head to toes. "If I cared about you that deeply, I would approve of the fact that your job is part of your life. I would never fight that or ask you to choose between it and us."

My shoulders relax: he is right. I would do it for him but it wouldn't have been right because we are in the same shoes. He could do it for me, it wouldn't feel right though.

"So, you're leaving." I say, mustering all my strength that's left.

He hide his face on his hands. "I guess I am." he smiles, scratching his neck. "But life is so full of possibilities, Carter, you showed me that, you know." I wonder is he able to understand just how deeply this sentence has just touched me.

"Maybe you're going to get that in the end." he tells me and I'm startled for a moment. He put his hands up in defeat to my challenging stare. "I can't tell you why I'm saying this, but you're going to get more professional possibilities." I still look confused. "Hell, Carter, I'm going to work with The Man, there are things I can tell."

"Maybe those possibilities are not enough now."

He stands in front of me and, surprisingly, takes my face with both hands "Maybe they were never enough." and he says it so gently.

I choke but manage, somehow, to ask what I meant to all this while. "Do you still" I let it hang for a second "care?"

From where we stand, I can see every inch of his face and the look he gives me, as if... as if he knows me and loves me even so. God, nobody told me I couldn't want this, and I want it so badly.

"Carter, this is not the best moment..."

"Just tell me this and... it will be enough to me."

He looks down, ashamed, unsure. I never saw him like this when it comes to me. I've never felt more attracted to him before.

"I can't keep you hanging forever." he explains, taking a bit of hair out of my face. He looks so wise when he talks honestly with me. "I wanted to, so many times. But I can't."

I approach him and I take his hands out of my face to lock his fingers with mine. Our looks connect and I whisper, "Just tell me..." man, am I begging? "Do you?"

His answer is muffled by the sound of rain, before I feel the cold drops touch my skin.

"Go home." he yells, pointing to my car.

I shake my head negatively.

"Carter, you're going to get a cold and it won't make me stay!" we laugh together, our hands becoming one, our mouths drowned in sweet rainy water. "Just go!"

Suddenly, I'm taken to years before, when I've said this same sentence, but he didn't leave me back then, did he? No. He'd rather die, he said, than leave me. I'm sure he remembered it now, I want to believe he will always remember it. We froze, yes, we're stuck in that moment.

"If you're leaving" I swallow slowly, thinking that there's no turning back now. "I'm not stopping you." he is studying me closely, listening carefully as if this is the last time he's hearing to my voice. "But I want to make a memory."

He's drenched with rain and God he's so handsome.

I step closer and as if by reflex his hands hold my waist. His body is so warm underneath those wet clothes. I want to keep him and I never thought I would ever feel this way for anyone.

"I knew you were gonna make this harder." he comments, smirking and I ignore him once and again. I caress his hair that is dark now and we hold. We hold each other as if clinging, as if the world is coming to and end and we may survive by holding the other. "Is this what you want?"

He lifts me off the floor, almost suffocating me. "I just want you to hold me right now." as I say that, he holds me even closer.

I've never been so open to anyone in my entire life. But I've never felt so complete, either.

"I can take the bad days," I say, smelling his after-shave covered face and rain. "if I get to have the good ones too."

He pulls me back down and looks at me in the eye, rubbing my inner arms. He leans in and cradles the back of my head, slowly. I couldn't stop the small shivers if I wanted to, which I don't. My knees buckle a little when I see that he is gazing me, watching my face with no armor at all.

I feel my lips touch his and I swear I must have been transported to some outter world. He takes another step, crowding against me. I encourage him not to let go by grabing his jacket.

I hear a melody but I ignore the rest of the world, except for Jack O'Neill.

His tongue slips throught my mouth and carresses mine in such an intimate way. So this is what feels like to have his whole attention? His breath is warm against my face and we turn our heads in different angles to kiss even more deeply.

I touch his face and hold his jaw with my thumb and index finger. His seductive hands travel across my drenched clothes, desiring to touch my skin. I gasp.

He holds my hips, carrying me to where he want me to stay, and he pushes his right leg between both of mine.

"You wanna make a memory?"

I wrap my arms around his neck, feeling his chest muscles against my ribs. My arms go around him to hold on forever.

I feel his heart fluttering erratically, mimicking mine. We stop kissing but remain close, sharing body heat, or maybe sharing an excuse to never let go again. He groans and I take a deep breath. We're both needy and breathless.

"You're beautiful." he breathes, "Just so beautiful." holding my left hand with his right one. The other is weaving my hair, pressing my ear, gently. I finally sob, the tears falling down as he push them away with his thumbs, which has no point at all, because they're mixing with the rain.

His eyes are black now. But I close mine again and rest my head against his neck.

I'm crying, finally letting go. That's what I'm here for.

"I'm gonna miss you so much."

"So am I." we watch each other expressions "But this is a hell of a memory, isn't it?"

I smile at his words.

We part, looking deep down into each other's gaze.

Suddenly, we realize there's a cab parked on his garage entrance and the music is coming from there.

"Mister O'Neill?" the short guy asks and Jack nods. "I'll put your bags in there and feel free to go whenever you feel like it. No hurry."

He smiles at us.

I breathe deeply and Jack looks at me, concerned. "Call whenever you feel like it, OK?"

"Take a good care of yourself." I murmur. "Promise me?"

"Yes, ma'am."

We laugh and hold one last time, almost becoming one.

"Call me when you get there."

He smirks and carresses my face one last time, before locking his lips with mine. Remaning there for awhile as we share our breaths and enjoy our last moment together. He hold my hand once more and whispers "I never stopped caring." and when he releases my hand, I feel a small piece of paper in the place where he hand has just been.

I look into his eyes and see them full of water, full of tears. He turns to leave.

I watch him get away from me and I admire his body, his presence. I close my eyes to record this moment inside of my mind.

I stand out in the rain, feeling cold and empty without having my arms around him. His smells lingers on me, though.

Our eyes lock, thousand of confessions floating in the air. I wave, my lips trembling from the sadness I feel. From the fear of losing him. I sob as I watch the taxi leave.

Out in the rain. I open the paper and read his handwriting saying I'll never stop caring, which only makes me cry even harder. He knew that I would come, he knew since the beggining what I was here for.

It's going to be hard without him. It won't be the same. But I smile among the tears that are falling because I feel that I can face the bad moments with him now that I have a good one to hold on to.

Yes. A hell of a memory.


End file.
